Everything I’ve watched and read while grieving

On this exact day last year I said a difficult goodbye to my dear mother and in honour of the most difficult, transformative and restorative year of my life I thought it would be nice to refer to the last piece I posted and do a good ol’ “Everything I’ve watched and read”. TV, films ,and books have always been some of my favourite things, and I think art helps us move through the difficult monotony of everyday life. Still, I have struggled to fall into these worlds as I once did and I am now relearning my love for them and how comforting they can be when life becomes difficult. I have watched and read a few things in this time (including one very emotional failed attempt at rewatching Everything, Everywhere, All at Once) but I would say these are everything I’ve watched and read that have helped me through the process of grief.

About 6 weeks before my mum’s passing I was having a pretty difficult time. I had surgery the day before she was admitted and was on bed rest, unable to visit her much in the first weeks of her hospital admittance. I had a lot of free time as a result and I spent a lot of that time reflecting on motherhood, love, and death. The following three films I watched reflected that.

‘Parallel Mothers’ – Pedro Almodóvar

Parallel Mothers tells the story of two mothers with very different lives who give birth on the same day and unknowingly find their lives intertwined after that point. This is a film that shouldn’t work because in reality there are far too many stories taking place in tandem, and it should feel overstuffed and off balance but it never does. It is a beautiful story that manages to look at motherhood and familial trauma in a number of different ways successfully. 

My main takeaways 

• It made me reflect on the things mothers will do for their children and the sacrifices that are an almost intrinsic part of the process of parenting.
• Penelope Cruz is so poorly utilised in the American film industry and she is such a grounded lead.
• Motherhood will always be a gorgeous theme to tackle when done correctly.

’Shiva Baby’ – Emma Seligman

It tells the story of Danielle at Jewish shiva (similar to a wake) with her family after the passing of someone in her community that she doesn’t really have any relationship with. When I first watched this film and started writing about it I didn’t have much to say about it apart from the fact that its direction is fun and strong, and it is a very good debut from Emma Seligman.

Upon reflecting on the film after my mum died, it was ironic to go back and laugh at how I thought the humour worked because of how ridiculously her community were behaving and how exaggerated the events felt because I thought surely people would show more tact and care during the mourning process. Fast forward to planning and hosting my mother’s funeral, I realised the humour was in how self-serving people can be during a time of mourning. I realised how accurate it was when my sisters and I were dealing with so much nonsense we created a shared notes app entitled ‘Stupid things people have said to us since Mum died’, and my friend joked about me needing to write the Ghanaian Shiva baby from all the insane stories I was telling her about the Ghanaian mourning process. 

My main takeaways

• When it comes to death, the Jewish community is just as unfiltered and outlandish as the Ghanaian community is. 
• The story perfectly encapsulates the dread of being in your 20s and being confronted by your family about your decisions and your future.
• Every time I’m reminded that Emma Seligman and I are the same age and she has achieved the things she has, I consider jumping off the nearest high surface.

‘Past Lives’ – Celine Song

I’d been so excited to watch this film for a while and the movie did not disappoint. It was such a beautiful exploration of love, migration and things that tie us to our identity. The leads spend the majority of the time apart as young Nora and her family move to Canada for a new life and new opportunities and leave her childhood love Hae Sung behind. Because of her family migrating, Nora and Hae Sung grow up across the world from each other and have very different experiences – a common experience in the journey of a first generation immigrant.

Celine Song beautifully subverted my understanding of what a love story looks like; this film is a love story where despite us following their journey and rooting for them, the protagonists never really have a fully explored romance.

Having the opportunity to watch this before my mum passed, and then getting to sit down with my dad to help him write his tribute to my mother, we had a beautifully reflective conversation on what their love looked like, including all the difficulties and successes, in their time apart when my dad came to the UK ahead of my mum and when they were reunited.

My main takeaways

• Beautiful debut by Celine Song, it was heartfelt and articulated how special the journey of both love and love loss can be
• After years of denying it, I am a romance genre girl afterall

I think my main reflection over the last year has been about love. I think I have always valued love conceptually but I have never really seen myself as a particularly affectionate or romantic person but losing my mum has made me look at love and cherish it in all its forms in a way I never have before. I have found myself consuming so many stories about love and romance from reading ‘Open Water’ by Caleb Azumah Nelson, to watching plays like ‘Shifters’ by Benedict Lombe. Two books that resonated with me regarding love and grief and stuck with me during this year were ‘Crying in H Mart’ and ‘Lessons in Chemistry’.

‘Crying in H Mart’ – Michelle Zauner

This was the first piece of media I consumed after I lost my mum as I thought the themes of the book would help me sort through my feelings about loss. Zauner retells the story of losing her mother to cancer in her 20s and feeling like not only had she lost a part of her life in her absence, but also her identity as a Korean woman.

Sometimes it was so difficult to read the book because I felt as though she had opened a window into my life and was telling the story of my grief without my permission. It often felt so jarring to see someone understand and articulate my grief when I hadn’t quite found the words myself. I remember a passage where Zauner talks about being in the food court in H Mart and the way she described the people and the atmosphere it felt like she was me spending the day at my mom’s restaurant. It somehow revealed so many feelings to me and became such a beautiful and comforting part of my journey. 

I think this book will always have a place in my heart and my life. It felt as if the book had been sent to me to remind me that losing a mother is not a unique experience, losing her in the way I did also wasn’t, but the love and relationship we shared was unique and to have been loved by her is a gift.

‘Lessons in Chemistry’ – Bonnie Gramus

I had previously watched Brie Larson in the Apple TV adaption of the book and I was instantly drawn to the character of Elizabeth Zott as I saw a lot of myself in her, so I decided to read the novel to dive into the character. Zott is an unwed, straight-shooting woman of science turned TV chef. The story talks about being a woman in stem in 1960s America, love, loss, and parenthood.

Through the story we learn about her many difficult experiences with people in her life who betrayed her love or trust, and you fully understand her position of not wanting marriage or children, that is until we are introduced to Calvin. Falling in love with him and eventually losing him challenges her views of love in a way that really moved me.

Without giving away the entire plot of the book, much like ‘Crying in H Mart’ I think this book has forever shaped my life and has helped me to understand and value romantic love, and the love between a mother and her child.

I think losing my mum has given me a great lesson on how love builds and breaks us. I think I finally understand why all great writers are obsessed with love, it is truly a gift. It helps us move through hardship, it brings us joy, it inspires the most beautiful art and makes life feel full.

P.S. This is the last time you will ever see me write something so sappy so I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope if you’re grieving someone you love you know that despite all of the pain that it has left you with, it was worth having the gift of loving them.

– Thea